I’m Broken Too!
For many of us, the New Year is a celebration of hope and new beginnings, a fresh start, and so it began for me.
I received a call from a very dear friend on the very first day of the new year. It had been years since we had spoken and about 6 years since she had moved several miles away. The sound of her voice made me smile and my mind, my heart and all my sensations were filled with a sea of fond memories. We could talk for hours. I could tell her anything. You know the kind of friend that nothing is off the table? We talked about life, kids, sex, love, politics, cooking, gardening, you name it, we shared it. We didn’t always agree but we gave each other the space to share what was in our hearts and on our minds.
I really didn’t understood why we didn’t talk more often but perhaps we both felt we were bothering the other? That was so far from the truth for me but let’s move on from here.
After a long chat, my friend felt a deep desire to “admit” something to me. I could hear it in her voice that this was really important for her to share and I just held my breath. Fear set in and a million terrible scenarios flashed before me. Perhaps she was sick or one of her children was ill? I waited and then she spoke. “I have something to admit to you”, and of course I replied reluctantly, ok? She began, ” I have always been intimidated by you, your life, your values and your success. You give so much to the world thru your work and I really have done nothing to contribute.”
I felt numb. My legs a bit wobbly, I nearly fell over. My eyes filled with tears as I tried to digest her words. Not you! Not you my dear friend!
After a long silence I regained my composure and began in vain telling her how much she meant to me. “You are an amazing woman”, I said with conviction in my heart. She wasn’t buying it. My praise fell upon deaf ears.
Our conversation slowly came to a gentle close. We said our good byes and promised to talk again soon.
I began to cry and my heart sank to my knees.
Sleep did not come easy that night, it actually never came. Tossing, turning, revisiting our conversation over and over.
Perhaps to some this is probably trivial but to a person like me, deeply sensitive, deeply thoughtful, it wasn’t trivial at all.
I needed to talk to someone in order for me to process the situation. Who could I call? Who would listen? I know! My dear friend who had moved several miles away from me, she would get me….Oh wait! She is intimidated by me! So I did what most intelligent, thoughtful, confused, individuals would do when they need help or advice….I googled it!
I began to frantically type, why are people intimidated by others? Lots of information came up but for me it was no help at all. I just needed to process this on my own.
Meditation was my weapon of choice. Time just in thoughtful and mindful attention.
Sexually, mentally, physically abused, regrets too many to mention, low self esteem, fear filled, ME?
Please understand that I am broken too…
Oh dear friend, you have it all wrong and perhaps the love and admiration I feel for you in not what you feel for me?
I pray, each day of my life, not for perfection or admiration.
I pray that God gives me the wisdom, strength and the determination, to become the best version of me.
Consequently, if others see me or anyone else as a threat or as an intimidating, probably these are not our people.